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September 19th, 2011

Sundays are for Anxiety

So - I'm in my room getting ready to go to bed with an empty tummy. Not the most pleasant way to go to bed, but after the disaster that was trying on clothes this evening. NOTHING fits, and seeing my body reflected in multiple mirrors made me want to throw up. I have been taking a GNC supplement that Serena has had luck with, and I'm bound and determined to make this work. I have to. I have no clothes that fit, and my beautiful wedding dress hanging in my closet would never fit at this point. Besides - the weight is really intensifying my self-esteem issues, and I can't have that right now.

This weekend had some great moments. I went to a wine festival with Sean, Shara, her new Boyfriend, Heather, and Devin. It was great to let loose and enjoy the fall, sweatshirt weather. I had a great moment with a middle school girl at church this morning. She is new, and a bit lonely. We have a big retreat this upcoming weekend that I am chaperoning. She was thinking of cancelling her spot on the trip, but after talking today - she's in. Those little moments are the rewards that get me through this crazy life.

After church I went to a bridal showcase with Shara. It was nice, but I felt bad dragging her around. I had the WEIRDEST moment when I ran into Anthony Campau from College. He apparently just got engaged. I wanted to hide in a hole since I look so terrible these days, but I guess that's all the more inspiration to get the weight off. Seeing or hearing form people from college always makes me feel uber weird because that time of my life seems like a weird movie now. All the early morning prayers, and Bible classes, and my old viewpoint on life. It doesn't seem real sometimes. I realize it's only been five years or so - but it seems infinitely far away. Ugggh....this train of thought makes me think that I've got a 10 year reunion coming next year. That's a different story for a different day I think.

I'm kinda down tonight and I can't quite put my finger on it. I think it's because I've spent almost no time with Sean over the past few weeks. Though we went to the wine fest Saturday we fell asleep right afterwards, and then I was off for a day of business at 7 am. He's got a ton on his mind right now with work and unpacking his house. It's so weird how I just don't feel right when I go a while without being with him. I wont seem him next weekend because of the youth retreat, so we're definitely due for some one-on-one time. We'll get it next month when we go to the Dominican Republic. He got a free trip as a sign on bonus at his job. It stinks though, because it's an all inclusive resort. I LOVE all inclusive stuff, but with all this extra weight, I wont be able to truly enjoy the ridiculous indulgence of it all. Great vacay - poor timing.

Well, I better stop typing before I get too hungry to sleep :) Hoping to feel a bit more like myself in the AM.

- Sara

September 14th, 2011

Thus begins my journey.

It's time for Sara 2.0

I'm restarting this journal for a number of reasons. Actually - I'm restarting two journals. This one to sort out my personal thoughts and inner craziness. The second will be a prayer journal to be intentional about my spiritual growth. They may both melt together at points - because I don't think there's a spiritual part of life and a non-spiritual to life. I've always been a fan of having it all be gravy in a very unorthodox kind of way. Why stop now?

So here's what you missed on Glee...oops, I mean in my life. I'm still living in MD - currently without a roommate. I'm engaged to the love of my life and getting married on cinqo de mayo next year. I've been dealing with chronic back pain for three years now that has taken a big toll on me, causing me to gain most of the weight I lost a few years ago back and to start sinking into depression. Thankfully, I've got an amazing partner by my side who has helped me through it. I'm taking an anti-depressant and working on getting back into shape. I'm working as a career transition specialist helping unemployed and underemployed adults find jobs. I'm still emotional - but getting a better handle on it day by day. The last statement is really the biggest reason I'm starting this journaling process. I want to be selfless and emotionally mature enough to be a good wife to Sean. It's definitely a struggle and I don't feel ready as much as I love him. I still hurt him from time to time with my emotional outbursts and my low self esteem, but I don't think anyone could have ever done as much to make me a better person. He's done his part, now it's my turn to get intentional about it.

So that's the update on my schmaltzy emotional journey. I won't talk solely about that. Of course you'll hear about my wacky wedding planning adventures, my growing addiction to terrible tv shows and couponing. Speaking of which - I saved 47 dollars at the grocery store today. Feel free to bow down to my frugal prowess. I hope that this new journal will document both my struggles and my joys. In the past, this journal has been dedicated far too much on the first of those two.

All in all, I think this is going to be fun.


June 14th, 2009

I *heart* Mickey Mouse!

I need to write more. This becomes abundantly clear when I attempt to write an entry and I can't muster the motivation because I realize I have too much ground to cover. I will cover some of the highlights with focus on recent developments. I admit that I will sound like a lovesick puppy, and that's okay - I think I'm really okay with that.

Things are still going strong with Sean - stronger than I ever imagined a relationship could be. I love him so much, it's silly. We haven't been together that long - less than five months actually, but it doesn't seem like that at all. He is an amazing man, and a perfect fit for me. Every day we spend together convinces me moreso of this. For starters, he treats me like royalty. He is attentive to me 100%. On no occasion does he ever make me feel neurotic, and he never gives me a moment to worry about his feelings for me. He enjoys teaching me new things and taking care of me, and he's proud of my success.

To celebrate my recent graduation from Southeastern - Sean gifted me an amazing trip to Disney World. We spent the better part of last week having an incredibly fun and romantic time in Florida. We visited the Kennedy Space Center since he is a bit of a NASA nerd, and spent three days in Disney World. During our fist day at Disney it was my birthday - which was so special. Sean gave me a camera for my birthday, so I took lots of giddy pictures which I am now in the process of posting on facebook. I've wanted to go to Disney since I was five, and every year I would beg and try to convince my mom to make it happen. I'm so happy that it didn't work out for me to go as a kid though, because I wouldn't have appreciated it as much as I do now. First of all - the gift was incredibly generous...a bigger and nicer gift than anyone has ever given me. There isn't really a good way to adequately express how thankful I am for the gift. I hope that the huge, goofy smile that I couldn't wipe off my face helped.

Sean and I spend a ton of time together as it is, but the trip allowed us to spend a longer, uninterrupted time together and we really grew a lot closer. Through our many adventures I find out more and more how perfect he is for me. He gets my quirks and I get his. We both like to keep a positive attitude about things and find cheesy ways to have fun. He has even found a way to help me chill out when I'm worried or stressing - which is something that happens a lot with me. What encourages me is the fact that my stressing is never spurred on by anything in our relationship. Sean puts me at ease. I know he loves me, and there's no room for doubt about where we're headed. There is a small part inside each of us that is somewhat nervous because we know how crushed we would be if something bad happened, but that apprehension seems to fade with every day we spend together. We've seen each other at our best and worst... and it appears that neither of us has plans of going anywhere.

So the trip was a blast. We didn't wait in any long lines for Disney attractions, we did a cheesy scavenger hunt designed for kids but perfected by us, we found several "hidden mickeys," and we even spent a day lounging at the pool. I tend to get a bit apprehensive at the end of trips and vacations as I head back to "real life," and the responsibilities that come with it, but that wasn't the case on this trip. Our last day was lovely - even down to a crowded and delayed flight home, and I was all smiles as I stepped foot on Virginia soil even though the Disney magic had been left far behind.

I find myself wanting to fast-forward time with Sean to find out what our future holds. I'm just so excited about where we're headed. He keeps a daily journal that reads a bit like a captain's log. He recently shared some things he had written about us in it, and I was brought to tears to know how much he is on the same page as me in his hopes and aspirations for our relationship. I realize how silly I sound - and that's really okay with me. I don't think that this kind of thing comes along every day, and I'm okay with putting myself out there in a way that makes me vulnerable. As far as I'm concerned - it's worth it, and I'm very optimistic about the risk.

That's not exactly a play by play about life, but I think it's a pretty good overview, and it captures how I'm feeling these days - which is what a journal is for after all, isn't it? Other highlights include being done with school finally - an accomplishment I thought would never come. I had a lovely graduation party with friends and family. My mom, sister, and Kevin came in town for the event, and it was surprisingly perfect. I just finished throwing a baby shower for a new and good friend from church. I sort of hate my job, but I don't mind so much since my personal life is pretty darn great. Laura is moving out July 1, and I'll be roommate-less and a little broke for the month of July as I wait for Lashante to move in August 1. I've gained a few pounds recently, and I need to start being much more diligent about diet and exercise, but I'll get there. I'll have to start Tuesday, because tomorrow night I'm having yummy sushi with Karin. Life's good.


April 22nd, 2009

(no subject)

Okay - so you know how on tv shows people are always like..."yea, I lost a bunch of weight and then put it back on and then some..." Well, I didn't understand what they meant until RIGHT now. Things have been going really well with my weight loss, I have been hovering in a 5 pound range that puts me close to my initial goal of losing 50 pounds. It was allowing me to eat healthy during the week and then pig out with Sean on the weekend - plus throw in an exercise activity or two. My sister came into town for a visit last week and all hell broke loose. I've gained six pounds, and my weekend splurges have started turning into every day lack of will-power. There isn't one day this week that I haven't had at least one unhealthy thing. In fact, I just had an ice cream cone with chocolate/marshmallow ice cream....ahhhh!!!!

To make matters worse, Sean and I have planned to go to funddruckers tomorrow to pig out since he's going out of town this weekend for his best friend's bachelor party. I just want to curl into a cave filled with salad and not emerge until I weigh 10 pounds less than I do now. I feel sort of trapped by the weight gain, that I feel like it's just going to keep creeping up. Plus, I'm due for my period this weekend, which is probably adding to all of it.

I think what I need to do is not step on a scale for a week and starting AFTER Fuddruckers start over. I need to have a heart to heart with Jesus about discipline, start logging all of my food in sparkpeople again, and try to stick to a 1500 calorie diet. I went to the gym twice this week which was good - but not enough, especially considering that I ate an inordinate amount of junk food. Crap!

Anyways... the point is, I need to get with it before I gain all my weight back and THEN SOME!

Thanks for listening. I'm thinking of changing my name to "Fatty McEatsalot."


April 8th, 2009

An update from me is so overdue that it's almost funny.

I'm sitting in my living room currently with the rest of the day off to vegetate and get a ton of things done - so I guess now is as good of a time as any for an update. Wow, have things ever been a' changin'.

I guess we'll start with January of this year. I had a particularly difficult holiday season the Mid-Ohio Valley which I was trying to cope with when Kody disappeared off the face of the earth while home on break in Wisconsin and decided not to inform me. At this point, I don't know the extent of his deception. The details are so sketchy that even piecing them together is difficult and make me feel like such a complete schmuck for falling for all of his crap. Let's just say that I will not make excuses for a man again... mark my words. I realize that there are some people who make the same mistakes with men over and over again in order to find love or acceptance. That's just not me. The idea that I was deceived and treated like such garbage - is something that will forever change the way I let people treat me. Let's just say I'm slightly more empowered now.

Empowered so much that I entered the new year kicking but and taking names. I started eating healthy again - joined a gym and lost 10 more pounds. I kept working on school and now I'm happy to say that I'm ONE class away from graduation. It seems so surreal that I'm actually going to be graduating, and I'm so stinking relieved. It's hard to describe how I feel about the school situation because part of me is embarrassed about the fact that my degree is in such a useless field and the fact that it took me so long to get it - but then there's the other part of me that says.. "Hey.. I'm graduating suma cum laude - and I did it alone..." It's weird - but regardless of how I feel, I'm VERY happy that it will soon be over.

About a month after Kody removed himself from my life - I was asked out on a date by a new guy - Sean. I didn't think anything of it, because I didn't want to be seen as a girl who was quick to rebound or someone who was super needy of guy attention. Still though - he asked me out, and I didn't figure there was any real reason to say no. I didn't expect anything to come from it. In fact, I had pretty much convinced myself to see nothing positive in Sean because I knew people would think I was just boy crazy, needy, and rebounding from Kody. What I didn't bargain on was meeting someone so incredible and finding love... yes, I said it - love.

I've been hesitating to journal about this for a while, because I knew I would seem pretty silly - but now I don't care. I've been dating Sean for three months, and it's been incredible. I never knew that a man could be so caring, affectionate, attentive, and well suited for me. Let's see - for starters, we have insanely complementary temperaments. He's a bit nerdy like me and can lack the ability to be suave from time to time. He loves Jesus in the same way I do and goes to basically the exact same church that I do in a different neighborhood. He's not super conservative, likes to have a good drink and a laugh. He's a terrible dancer but still LOVES to dance. He recently lost a lot of weight like me and eats healthy during the week so that he can pig out on the weekends with me.

Speaking of the weekends - there hasn't been a weekend where we didn't hang out since we met. In fact - he's taking his best friend to Vegas in a few weeks for a bachelor party, and he planned the trip around my schedule since I had a work thing that weekend and wouldn't be able to hang out for part of the weekend anyway. He has taken me to do tons of new things, taught me to change a tire, given me my first good Valentines Day ever (complete with a trip to Philly...), and listened to me when I was upset about my housing situation (to be updated in a later paragraph). He knows all about my family, and it doesn't embarrass me at all.

Okay - so typing all of that was a big deal because I knew in doing so I was airing it for the few lJers who will take the type to read this entry. I'm opening myself to public mockery and to being labeled as someone who falls to easily or who isn't level headed about men. I certainly feel that this situation is different. I realize my track record doesn't necessarily reflect this - but I have wisened since I started dating about a year ago. Sean agrees with me that the dating world is not all it's cracked up to me, and hopes to get out of it sooner, rather than later. We both agree that we could be IT for each other. We're not running off to elope in Vegas, and we are being sensible, but still - we've admitted that neither of us expected things to go this well.

Did I mention that he calls me every day and that I don't know what to do with all this energy that's not being spent being neurotic about our relationship?

As with life - all can't be perfect. The relationship with Sean has taken it's toll on the already crumbling relationship I have with my roommate. I don't want to dog her - so I'll suffice it to say that it isn't working out, and that we have finally and resolutely decided to part ways. On July 1st, she is moving out and I have to find a roommate. The goal is to find a girl who is somewhat close to my age, English speaking, laid back, not allergic to Ruckus, and okay with Sean staying over from time to time..(this has been a huge point of contention for Laura and I). As it is - Sean doesn't come over as it makes her uncomfortable - but it's not a way to live. I'm nervous about the roommate search, but excited about the stress it will take off of my shoulders in the long run.

In other life updates, I made a pact with myself to be more reliable and better at follow-through. I've had mixed results with that, but all-in-all, I'm pleased. I've been having a REALLY good time with my small group which has gotten larger in the past few months. I'm trying to plan a graduation party for May 30th - which will be stressful for sure, but I think it's worth it. Finally - I turn 25 in two months.

I think that was quite an update, and for those of you that read it - I hope you don't find me TOO twit-like.


March 10th, 2009

(no subject)

I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo in need of an update. For now, know that life is pretty darn good.

2 more classes until graduation baby!!!!!!

A legitimate update will come soon.

December 28th, 2008

(no subject)

Worst five days of my life...

Maybe I'll epxlain later, but all I really want to do is stay in my room for the next two weeks.

Smoking kills...by he way

December 12th, 2008

Pink Eye

I have conjuntivitis.

I'm not sure how I got it- but I do, and it sucks. I'm not contagious anymore due to the eyedrop antibiotics I'm on... but I hate taking them because they drain into my throat somehow and make me feel nauseaus. Ugghh.. 5 more days of this. Oh well. Tommorow night is case night at my casa. Kody's coming over and he and Laura are going to compete to see who can get through a case of beer first. I'm going to have to carry both of them to bed, I predict.

Kody and I are at the four month mark - and it was a heck of a haul getting there, but finally... things are good. They've been consistently good for nearly a month now, and I'm happy. He's met my friends now, which desperately needed to happen, and I'll meet his soon. Med students don't have much time for a social life. Oh well...such is the path I have chosen for now. He's a really great guy...and I think he may be a keeper. We'll see what kinda swanky Christmas gift he gets me, and then we'll see.. haha :)

Me, Laura, Kody, Lauren, and Scott went bowling at the white house last week which was phenomenal!!!! Let me just tell you - it ranks up there as one of the coolest experiences of my 24 years. The administration is almost over - which means no more white house privileges - but we may squeee out ONE more west wing tour before the 20th. Speaking of the 20th - if anyone needs a place to stay for the inauguration - my house is officially open. I will not join you for the event - as that many people in one place would surely give me a panic attack. It's going to be RIDICULOUS. Plus - it's Kody's birthday, so I'm going to flee the city and do something completely unrelated. My house is open still, all the same.

Uggggh.. this medicene in my throat is disgusting. I didn't realiez your eyes were connected to your throat. Sick. Well.. I think it's time to snuggle with ruckus and rest up for tommorow evening!


October 6th, 2008

(no subject)

well..I suppose this ten page paper won't write itself.

September 3rd, 2008

(no subject)

One Word - Dissapointed.
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