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Sundays are for Anxiety

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Sundays are for Anxiety

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So - I'm in my room getting ready to go to bed with an empty tummy. Not the most pleasant way to go to bed, but after the disaster that was trying on clothes this evening. NOTHING fits, and seeing my body reflected in multiple mirrors made me want to throw up. I have been taking a GNC supplement that Serena has had luck with, and I'm bound and determined to make this work. I have to. I have no clothes that fit, and my beautiful wedding dress hanging in my closet would never fit at this point. Besides - the weight is really intensifying my self-esteem issues, and I can't have that right now.

This weekend had some great moments. I went to a wine festival with Sean, Shara, her new Boyfriend, Heather, and Devin. It was great to let loose and enjoy the fall, sweatshirt weather. I had a great moment with a middle school girl at church this morning. She is new, and a bit lonely. We have a big retreat this upcoming weekend that I am chaperoning. She was thinking of cancelling her spot on the trip, but after talking today - she's in. Those little moments are the rewards that get me through this crazy life.

After church I went to a bridal showcase with Shara. It was nice, but I felt bad dragging her around. I had the WEIRDEST moment when I ran into Anthony Campau from College. He apparently just got engaged. I wanted to hide in a hole since I look so terrible these days, but I guess that's all the more inspiration to get the weight off. Seeing or hearing form people from college always makes me feel uber weird because that time of my life seems like a weird movie now. All the early morning prayers, and Bible classes, and my old viewpoint on life. It doesn't seem real sometimes. I realize it's only been five years or so - but it seems infinitely far away. Ugggh....this train of thought makes me think that I've got a 10 year reunion coming next year. That's a different story for a different day I think.

I'm kinda down tonight and I can't quite put my finger on it. I think it's because I've spent almost no time with Sean over the past few weeks. Though we went to the wine fest Saturday we fell asleep right afterwards, and then I was off for a day of business at 7 am. He's got a ton on his mind right now with work and unpacking his house. It's so weird how I just don't feel right when I go a while without being with him. I wont seem him next weekend because of the youth retreat, so we're definitely due for some one-on-one time. We'll get it next month when we go to the Dominican Republic. He got a free trip as a sign on bonus at his job. It stinks though, because it's an all inclusive resort. I LOVE all inclusive stuff, but with all this extra weight, I wont be able to truly enjoy the ridiculous indulgence of it all. Great vacay - poor timing.

Well, I better stop typing before I get too hungry to sleep :) Hoping to feel a bit more like myself in the AM.

- Sara
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